No White Flag

AHHHHHHH

there are all these songs shuffling through my mind… they all make me wanna scream and sing and jump around.. and lay in the snow.. and ring his doorbell… and plant one on him haha

whenever i say the phrase “what-if” in my head, that thing never happens… it’s like my curse.. and i can’t even stop myself.. i imagine myself saying what needs to be said; romantic, humorous, perfect.. but it can’t happen because i said “what-if.”

what if.. i decided to go to his locker and hug him with all my might and then gaze into those wondrous, those mesmerizing eyes. then i’d step on the tip of my toes and sweetly, softly.. dazzlingly kiss him. and when i drop down, he doesn’t let go, but instead holds me tighter and brings my chin up to his….

it’s silly.. and it’s a what-if that everyone has.. a scene in a million movies… i wish that it wasn’t so common… then, maybe it’d be more special……..

what if… he comes over during the summer and we go to my neighbor’s pool. the summer breeze gently picking up my flowing hair and brushing against my skin causing goose bumps.. and he holds me.. we lay by the pool on a towel and i’m in his arms, hearing the trees chatter and talk of their little flower child, growing.. my heart races as he gently rubs his soft hands across my back. the sky beams blue and sun keeps shining… and he kisses my forehead…

i might as well get them off my chest… hey, maybe they will go into my book or movie… or maybe if someone reads them…. they can fulfill what i have been unable to.. and the hopefulness keeps me dreaming……

what-if… i get a knock at the door on a beautiful day and he’s there, pacing.. he tells me how much he likes me and how much he wants me.. and he takes me by the waist and looks into my eyes…….

what-if… he loves me…

Turn That Frown Upside Down

i hurt a lot. people don’t think i would, i smile.. i try to be happy.. but everyone has their bad days, right? i stopped taking medication about 4 years ago and i don’t regret it, the nausea and embarrassment were pretty terrible. i’m a happy person, and i want people to know me as the one that can always cheer them up.. even when i can’t do the same for myself. don’t get me wrong, i love shining that 100 watt smile full of metal and cheer, but i also need to say that there’s so much people don’t know…

i love eyes because they tell so many tales. mine are like the dark waves crashing down on the water beneath during a mystical storm, or as others say: grey-blue. eyes show true feelings.. they explain the story behind those indifferent lashes. you can learn so much by just listening.. when people talk.. just look into their eyes…. it’s funny i know my eyes are the bluest, like the gorgous sky on a summer day, when they are wet…

He’s a Jock

i cant say ‘i love you’ to a guy anymore. i said it once, i was foolish, and i think i will always regret it. i didn’t love him and he didn’t love me, he made that clear. i hope one day i can talk to him and tell him what a horrible person he was, but that’s not important… that’s not happy… i want to be happy

he’s a jock and he’s amazing. he makes me feel so safe, like no matter what happens a quilt of his courage WILL always keep me warm. i don’t love him, or at least i don’t think i do, but i think if i did.. i wouldn’t want to, because i was hurt so much before. but i hate this, i hate when people write their sad love stories about never learning and suffering from the constant pains from that thumping muscle that rests behind the cage full of help.. telling them, ‘breathe.’ i don’t want to do the usual. he knows i like him.. he feels the same.. but, we are so different. some believe difference WILL never get boring. what do i believe? haha i don’t even know where to begin…. i really don’t…. so i write to say i’m not sad or happy.. i’m smothered by the hope… i clear my head.. breathe.. and continue

i smile because he made the effort. he wants me.. ME. he WILL always be…… my 47…

Imagine

the scene starts in a full Pacifica with the front two rows and one giddy girl in the back talking along, The Beatles’ here comes the sun playing softly… the other girl in the far back seat is sitting with her head facing the window completely and darling royal blue eyes glued to that amazing sky. she smiles sweetly, the car zooms on by the vast meadow and her eyes trace the ground to where the sky seems to touch that green grass. its there, that moment where she thinks that everything is simply perfect. she looks up to the front, where the driver and front passenger exchange glances and she wonders if they ever think about their life, together, and how far they have come, how many perfect moments they have witnessed. the camera zooms out slowly until the whole car is in view, from the rear. the song gets louder as the whole sky comes into focus… “little darling, the smiles returning to the faces little darling……. and i say it’s all right”…

Treasures at the Chocolatier

in a few days i will be sitting in the car, iPod in hand, and staring at those wondrous clouds in that endless sky on my way to one of my most favorite places! Tawas Bay is just so incredibly beautiful and precious… the rows of cabins lining that amazing beach, the little town with the whimsical stores, the many townspeople with their friendly domain, the sweet swinging benches set up right at the top of the beach, incredible water, and that breathtaking sky… it’s just so… well.. magical! i love to sit on the benches when it’s all calm and quiet and just swing with the millions of stars lighting the sky. when the other families get there and we all get situated in our cozy cabins.. we sit on the beach with Jay’s famous martinis (well the adults in this case) and it’s around five o’clock so the waves are at about their highest, the sun starts setting, and i get this feeling that everything is just.. PERFECT!

i love that feeling… that everything is just so perfect… where things just fall together and nothing can tare me down! it’s the kind of feeling i got today when jogging and, silly as it seems, the sky was the most perfect shade of blue, the wind had the best movement, and everything was just gorgeous… and it makes me kind of sad because it’s so perfect that everything else will seem less and the next best moment may not happen for awhile. but, i just love those moments, they make everything just so happy and sunny… my movie moments kick into high gear…

Little Miss Wes

i thought i would take the time to offer a hand to the reader of this and explain that i seem to pride myself on being this “listener” so, writing my thoughts out is a horse of a different color. i narrate my life in a way.. i guess it was about time that i put all those script-like thoughts down as some sort of writing.. although resorting to doing it on the computer is a bit unlike how i imagined.. as i eye the stacks of diaries and journals given to me over the years where i have started many a story and never completed one…. i admit that i am not exactly sure what i am doing but… i guess i should introduce myself to you, as i can’t help but to smile (which i am always doing) and say “i am little miss wes.”