Undecided

i haven’t written anything in a looooooong time.. and looking back on the very..umm.. interesting and colorful grammar i used definitely proves that. i guess i’m writing to just lay my thoughts out there.. i mean that’s why janelle said blogs are helpful. :/ time really has gone by. things really have changed. and right now, at this very moment all i wanna do is explain to her everything..

explain how much she hurt me.. how we were best friends but she treated me like an enemy.. explain how much i liked him and how much i had hoped for in both me&him and me&her.. and explain how bad i feel now..

but that was last year.. and i guess i “ruined” that year.. but to me, you, him, alllll of those backstabbing friends last year, messed up my heart.. and then we weren’t friends…. and then we didn’t talk…. and then you tried but i couldn’t do it… and now i still don’t know if we can ever be close but i feel bad….. i feel like even though everything is different you still see me as hurting you like you hurt me.. but it’s not the same… and i wish you could see that.. cuz i don’t want you to hurt..

now i really like him..  now i finally found someone.. we fit.. i know that probably makes it hurt more.. but we’re not friends now and i didn’t see it as backstabbing…. stupid me. now i don’t even remember what i was trying to say by writing this.. i’m torn between and apology, an admittance, and a long list of things the world missed (oh how exciting -_-). you’ll probably never read this…. but i just wanted to explain i didn’t go out of my way to hurt you.. things just happened and now i don’t know what to think…