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i cant say ‘i love you’ to a guy anymore. i said it once, i was foolish, and i think i will always regret it. i didn’t love him and he didn’t love me, he made that clear. i hope one day i can talk to him and tell him what a horrible person he was, but that’s not important… that’s not happy… i want to be happy 
he’s a jock and he’s amazing. he makes me feel so safe, like no matter what happens a quilt of his courage WILL always keep me warm. i don’t love him, or at least i don’t think i do, but i think if i did.. i wouldn’t want to, because i was hurt so much before. but i hate this, i hate when people write their sad love stories about never learning and suffering from the constant pains from that thumping muscle that rests behind the cage full of help.. telling them, ‘breathe.’ i don’t want to do the usual. he knows i like him.. he feels the same.. but, we are so different. some believe difference WILL never get boring. what do i believe? haha i don’t even know where to begin…. i really don’t…. so i write to say i’m not sad or happy.. i’m smothered by the hope… i clear my head.. breathe.. and continue
i smile because he made the effort. he wants me.. ME. he WILL always be…… my 47…
